It's been over 20 years since I was first told that I should meditate. See, in the Catholic tradition, I learned to pray, but nobody ever suggested that I sit still, quiet my mind, and listen. Nobody ever suggested there's anything inside me to listen to. Or maybe they did and I just didn't hear them. In any case, the first suggestion I remember came when I was about 20.
"You should meditate!" I heard it in the same way that I heard "You should floss, " or "You should exercise!" And my internal response was similar, too. I felt, "I can see that it would be good for me. I suppose I should do that." I'm sure my outward response was simply, "Okay." But it wouldn't happen.
Not surprising, really, as lots of "shoulds" don't happen. Even if I'm telling myself "I should," it's an external voice in my head, not my own true inner voice. "Shoulds" are about fear, shame, guilt, disappointment--nothing good. My responses to "shoulds" are typically defiance, sometimes passive-aggressiveness. I might do the thing once or twice, but it's not whole-hearted effort, I don't find the promised benefit, and I don't develop a habit.
But "shoulds" can shift to "want tos," as I've discovered with flossing. Permit me an aside for a moment... For several years, I flossed daily for the three weeks prior to my appointment to get my teeth cleaned. I started this practice when I discovered that it made my gums bleed less, which reduced the "you should floss" lecture I would get from the dentist or hygienist. Finally, two years ago, after 35+ years of going to the dentist regularly, a fabulous hygienist explained why flossing is important. I'd thought it was to get the food out from between my teeth. Yes, that's the reason given to a 3rd grader. (Well, not to me when I was in 3rd grade; back then, we learned that brushing is important, but if we couldn't brush, it was okay to just "swish and swallow." I still remember that lesson, given by a classmate's father who was a dentist. There was no mention of flossing.) The adult-level reason is that sliding a string between each tooth and gums disrupts the colonies of three types of bacteria that grow there and that cause tooth decay and gum disease. It doesn't matter whether there's food there or not; the bacteria are hiding out and prospering there until they're shown the door by the string of floss. What an "Aha!" moment that was! Since then, flossing hasn't been a "should." Rather, it's a "want to," as I want to have healthy teeth, and I want to avoid serious dental work, and I want to avoid the other diseases that can be caused by gum disease. I don't floss every day, but I do it about three times a week, which sure beats three weeks twice a year. And I feel great about it!
So, back to meditation. This fall I have been told by at least four different sources that I should meditate. I want to do it, really. More than I've wanted to in the past, on all those occasions when I said I would start a meditation practice, and then didn't last more than once or twice. But, I can't say that I have shifted it to a true "want to" yet, just that I've taken a step or two in that direction.
To be a true "want to," I have to have head and heart engaged in the wanting. I have to understand the benefit to be gained and I have to feel the inspiration from within.
I just spent two months engaged in a teleseminar program that was a spiritual journey of sorts. In the program, we were asked to meditate, and a guided meditation was offered, in case we wanted to use it. I found my meditations to be not only useful but also enjoyable--this is new, and refreshing! It lets me know that I'm on the path to "want to."
Now I just have to keep the commitment to continue meditating, so I continue to find its benefits and feel the enjoyment. I'm looking forward to a meditation practice that is as routine as flossing. :-)
